Synopsis

"Every year, over 2000 men and women graduate from the New York Police Academy. 1500 of those 2000 cadets will spend at least one year patrolling the city on foot. Of the remaining 500, 450 will be assigned to specialized patrol units throughout the city. And the remaining 50 will receive early pensions as a result of injuries sustained at the academy. But in 1991, to the disgust of their classmates, two cadets eagerly requested and happily received permanent desk duty. Until they were assigned to a one-day Christmas holiday foot patrol... and that day is today." Stan and Hank bumble out of their precinct building onto the streets on NYC, confused as to which direction they should head. They walk around and get into a conversation about whether or not it's cold out. Stan's mentions that he has sore feet from having to stand on the subway. Hank doesn't want to hear any complaints as he'd like to just enjoy their day outside. Stan remarks that the outside light makes everything appear "super real" and "hyperreal" while Hank maintains that it's just normal, outdoor sunlight. Stan says "this is going to be the longest day." Hank sees a delivery woman that he's instantly attracted to and pontificates that all package delivery people are really good-looking and perhaps they're a in some sort of master-race cult. Stan sees through these meandering ideas and realizes Hank must have a crush on her, but cannot express his attraction for her because of being repressed. He recommends that Hank get in touch with his feelings lest he become a victim of "Lancelot's Regret". Hank can't admit to liking the delivery woman. Hank tells Stan that he needs to look like he belongs on the street; he explains that a man's power center is his mouth (not his gun) and that he chews gum to help focus the power. He also has a moustache to help frame his mouth, as it's like "an eyebrow for the mouth." He accuses Stan of looking too boyish and meek. They do some window shopping and then Stan suggests that they fish for code violations inside the furniture store. Hank has to relieve himself but reveals that he can't go into a bathroom he's never been in before. Hank wonders how he's ever gone to the bathroom ever then. Hank says he's had the problem since he was 15 and needs a good six months to observe any facilities before using them. The heroes become unsure what street they're on and decide to ask a doorman which way Sixth Avenue is. The doorman can't believe this and tears him into them for being so ignorant. He asks if they've ever heard of the Empire State Building as his anger intensifies. He throws his jacket to the ground, ready to fight as the cops walk away. The conversation turns back to Hank's interest in the delivery woman and how he needs to "unsheath the sword" and just go up and approach her. Hank wonders why Stan keeps using Old English expressions and is reluctant to take his advice. Stan accuses Hank of being too bossy as a post office employee attempts to have an "official" conversation with them. He inquires about the NYPD website and asks if they'll be seeing a lot of each other from now on. The heroes try to leave the conversation as the mailman mentions that he took a civil service test and that he has a Bearcat scanner. He won't let the encounter end and outlines his credentials related to CPR. He continues following them, remarking on how the other cops usually have their clubs on the other side. Stan complains about only getting three hours of sleep the night before and Hank says they'd be taking naps by now if they were cops in Europe. They bump into a frightened maintenance worker who's convinced that they want to take him and his children away. Stan and Hank reassure him that they have no interest in him, which triggers the man to loudly offer a bribe, which they refuse. Stan also gets rebuffed once again in his efforts to use a bathroom. Stan can't find anywhere that will work as a bathroom and Hank says maybe Stan can just hold it until the shift ends. Hank remarks upon how there's no people around and no Christmas decorations. Stan says that's the point, they've been put out in the boonies. It's desolate and they're seemingly accosted by a couple of hooligans but it turns out to be a male and female bike cop that are just busting their balls, specifically Stan for his Knights of the Roundtable talk. Stan pulls his club out and says to back off and they leave. Hank sarcastically thanks Stan for all his "medieval crap" and reveals that people hate him. Stan reveals that the reason they're out on street patrol is because Hank's flappity-flappity mouth pissed off the lieutenant. They both continue blaming each other for their situation and almost part ways in frustration before Hank thinks better of being alone on the streets. The postman shows up again with three suspicious reasons why he thinks something big is going on with them. He then assumes he just broke the cardinal rule of a stakeout and so the heroes use his guilt to assign him to a new post and ditch him. Hank says Stan should just go to the bathroom at home and Stan responds that his options are limited. He reveals that his solution in the past was to replace the toilet seat with a new one. This leads to them coming up with a scheme to inspect a restaurant's toilet and put the on the toilet seat that they're carrying around. They get scared thinking that the bike cops are back though and throw the toilet seat into the garbage. Hank once again sees the delivery woman and remarks upon the coincidental nature of it. He decides to follow her but then chickens out when it's time to talk to her. Stan equates it to how the Knights of the Roundtable had wives and children at this point in their lives which inspires Hank to leave and talk to the woman, due to being annoyed. Hank takes his hat off and fixes his hair before asking her how she's doing. He tells her this is his beat and asks about package delivery. She quickly expresses interest in having a sexual encounter with him but he gets so nervous that he doesn't know what to do. Instead of hooking up with her, he impulsively decides to cite her for obstruction of the sidewalk. She gets very upset for leading her on and calls him a loser. He says to forget the ticket and leaves. Stan asks what happened and Hank explains that he panicked, but isn't a loser. Stan says it's really sad and just walks away. Hank sees something in the newspaper that causes him to run after Stan, yelling his name. Stan is staring at the La Petite Auberge restaurant across the street and recounts a story of being taken there by his parents when he was 13, where he had a great meal and then... used their bathroom. He walks swiftly towards the entrance, intent on using their bathroom once again. Hank yells out about the headline he's reading on the front page of the newspaper "MAYOR VOWS: X-MAS COPS TO STAY ON STREET" The annoying busybody postman interacts with random people on the street as a quick epilogue.